Carrying On With Half A Heart…

half-my-heartI did say I wasn’t going to do this quite so early on in my blogging journey but it is such a huge part of who I am so to let it go by without saying something seems unjust for some reason.  I will say upfront this piece features baby/child loss and is very raw and real and probably all over the place.  It is also image heavy.  I’m not apologising for it I’m just letting you know in advance in case you decide not to read on.  I wrote a small post on my Facebook page last year skimming some of the things you experience when half your heart is missing.  As tomorrow will be 6 years I thought I’d just show how my thoughts have not changed. 

28

6 whole years since the very last time I held our beautiful angel in my arms.  My brain still can’t comprehend that it is 6 years since our baby girl grew her wings far too soon.  I just can’t fathom how something can seem to long ago and only yesterday all at the same time.  Sometimes, albeit very briefly, just in the tiniest moment of waking from a deep sleep I forget. I forget all the pain and the heartache of the losing her, our gorgeous baby, and I’m still there getting up to check on her and see her adorable little face smiling back at me. Smelling the faint scent of vanilla lingering in the air. Then all too quick it’s gone and I’m scrambling just to get those memories back again. To hear her call “Dad” when he’s trying to creep through the door as quiet as can be from the night shift so as not to wake her. To hear her yell “Archie kiss” as her big brother runs about like mad playing with her and the sad reality is time is a bastard as it slowly robs you of all these memories.  They become harder to recall with the speed and clarity you used to.  The painful memories, well they are there in a flash, but I just wish sometimes that the ones that make my heart swell didn’t take so long to come to the forefront from their little coping mechanism compartments.

Then as if that anguish isn’t enough, your mind quickly snaps to could’ve beens and would’ve beens. What would she look like now? How cute would she look in her little school uniform? How much would she adore her big brother? Then the realisation hits you like a steam train, so hard it takes your breath away and leaves a heavy pain in your chest, that these are thing you will never know. What kind of person she will grow up to be. How amazing she would be. What she will look like when she goes to her school prom or walks down the aisle. How beautiful her children will be.


Then there are the token grief adages.  It’s like there is some sort of secret handbook of “things to say to a grieving parent” that include, but are not limited to:

  • God must of needed her more than you
  • It gets better with time
  • Well at least you have another child
  • Time is a great healer
  • Are you going to think about having another

I just wanted to stop you right there and say please, you should you ever encounter a grieving parent, do not say anything of these things.  Not one.  The only thing I can promise you is none of these are the case.  I’ve always felt it’s easy to say “God must’ve needed her” when it’s not your child he’s asking for.  He definitely didn’t need her more than we did and while we are at it, just for reference, time isn’t a healer.  That is literally one of the biggest piles of shit going.  Not one bloody iota.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, can heal the loss of a baby/child.  Ever.  Time doesn’t heal anything.  All time does is give your brain the opportunity to learn and adopt new coping mechanisms.  I can assure you the loss of a child is not something that gets ‘healed’ or ‘better with time’.  My best piece of advice just say “I’m here for you – I’ve no idea what to say but I’m here regardless”.  You don’t need to fill that empty space with even more empty words or sentiments.  Sometimes a hug is all it takes.

These are just a few of the things that are the never ending torment and reality of a person who has lost a baby/child. Sometimes people are really skilled actors and manage to walk around not showing these things, whilst others simply cannot hide it. Six years in and most of these things are forgotten about by those that grieved with you at the time, because reality is life does go on and that’s ok. But yours doesn’t. All these feelings and emotions come flooding back at the strangest and most obscure of triggers.  A song, a smell, a sound, some days it takes nothing all.  

All the anniversaries and birthdays and milestones are made marginally more bearable by the support of loving family and friends. The small gestures of kindness and thought and compassion that are extended during these difficult periods. The loving hug from a family member or friend. The phone call or text or message to say ‘we are thinking of you’. It is these actions which make the darkest of times more tolerable.

There is no nice way to end this post and I accept that that is ok.  Just to say that we still love you so much beautiful girl and you took half our hearts with you that day.  It doesn’t hurt any less today than it did 6 years ago.

remembering-you

Sweet dreams our angel.

jwtb-signature

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Life, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Carrying On With Half A Heart…

  1. Such a beautiful post, and what lovely pictures! I can’t begin to imagine to know what you must have to face. Am sending you a big squish as writing this must have been extremely hard but in the same way it must help writing your story down too xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Written oh so beautifully Jell. Sending my love as always xx

    Like

  3. Sam Rowswell says:

    Nothing but love from me, Kelly. I’m sat here in tears, unable to fathom such a loss. Thank you for sharing this little insight.
    Sam x

    Like

  4. henryskat says:

    I cannot even begin to comprehend how you do but it shows testament to your strength seeing how you cope with the loss of your beautiful girly every day. I am always here if I can help in any way, even if it’s on one of those days where you just need a friend. This piece is beautifully written Kelly you have a really fantastic writing style. I’m so glad you wrote this xx

    Like

  5. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. Thinking of you and sending you a virtual hug today x

    Like

  6. Vicki Trice says:

    Always in our hearts here, kel. I’m never far away ❤

    Like

  7. Your one special lady that has been through so much your gorgeous daughter looks I think like you with her lovely curly hair you are one strong care ing lady you are right she will be always with you no matter what your right it’s really hard talking to someone who has lost a child so I want to give you one massive hugs for today and one for tommorow God bless sweethearts you take care always here if you need to speak to someone ❤💓💔💋💋💖💗💕

    Like

  8. Alix williams says:

    I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you have and are going through – i am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl 😦 sending you and your family a massive amount of love and hugs x this truly has made me feel thankful for the crazy boisterous not always well behaved children i can still hug each night x x x

    Love to you Kelly x

    Like

  9. Jodie says:

    I remember you trying for a baby and then when she was born. I remember when you found out her diagnosis. Not this bright beautiful little girl who lit up anyone’s day with her smile. No matter what her short life threw at her she was always smiling. I remember the day she left this world and the sadness I felt I could never comprehend the pain you all felt. I know we ain’t properly spoken in about 5 years but I still think of her and of you too. You think bout she would of grown up to be.I think She would of been a beautiful girl who would be carefree who wouldn’t stop till she got where she wanted. Look at her mum. A true inspiration. Xxx

    Like

  10. I can’t even imagine the heartache of losing a child. I’m so sorry. xx

    Like

  11. and the beat goes says:

    ❤️

    Like

  12. Leah says:

    I am very sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. It’s something that is always at the back of mind now that I have 2 boys I treasure more than anything in this world. Sending you love!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s